


Hands

by poeami



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: CCG!Hide, M/M, Reincarnation AU, i mean if you read tg its just some event changing like, might get a little risqué in the future tbh, not a slow burn and not v serious at all i failed, not the vomiting but, some mentions of suicide? may get a little bad, some vomiting, the vomiting isn't sexual i feel like this needs a disclaimer, tons of hand description because handS
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-12
Updated: 2015-09-18
Packaged: 2018-04-19 23:10:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4764512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poeami/pseuds/poeami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Kaneki isn't sure if he's seen Hide before, stupid Hide, who works for the CCG and doubles for Anteiku and must have something of a death wish.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Hide meets Kaneki during what looks like a bad time.

But Hide first sees Kaneki during orientation, and later in his Asian History class - pen pressed against his lip, eyes steadfast. They don't speak, though they do sit next to each other, and he doesn’t volunteer any of the answers to the professor’s questions, rather keeps track of them in his notebook, neat and compact. It's very relaxing - Hide’ll nestle his chin on the palm of his hand and track stroke after stroke, motions deliberate, a falter here and there, akin to the look Kaneki gives Hide out of the corner of his eye when he’s caught. It’s ridiculously cute.

It’s after the third glance over that Kaneki stops showing up to class. It’s weird and sudden (Hide doesn’t think that watching him write out his kana was _that_ creepy; it’s just that Asian History is so boring and he’s so sleepy and Kaneki’s hands are _pretty_ , delicate looking things, like he’d never lifted more than twenty pounds in his life) but then so is seeing him three weeks later working in Anteiku.

Hide’s sitting with Kimi when Kaneki walks downstairs, tying his apron behind his back with nimble fingers, doesn’t notice Hide but Hide certainly notices him, mouth snapping shut at the sight of the bags under his eyes, purple and bruised against pale skin. He heads for Touka, standing behind the counter across the way, and the two get to talking.

Hide had been going over something important, a change in CCG’s layout or other, but the past is the past and “What’s he doing working here?”  seemed like a much more interesting conversation. Kimi laughs at him, covers it up with a sip of coffee. “Isn’t it obvious? I haven’t heard any of the specifics, if that’s what you’re after.”

“He’s in my Asian History class,” he leans forward, dips a finger into the whip cream topping his cappuccino and shoves it in his face.

“Wow, that’s pretty intense.”

The leaning continues. “No, you don’t understand. _He’s in my Asian History class_. Right next to me! I basically know him. This is totally a big deal!”

She picks up on it well enough, the look in her eyes gaining that connecting gleam, the proverbial light bulb. It isn’t so much a problem that he’s skipped a couple of weeks as it is Other Things. Working at Anteiku suggests a particular state of being, specific dietary requirements so to speak, and Hide’s been privy to none of it.

Akira is one to trust in her intuition totally, holds it up like a crutch, and though she wouldn’t fall without it, something fundamental would be missing in her logic. Hide’s intuition isn’t like that, but it’s dependable, the sort of thing forced into you, makes him and Kimi both sure that he would’ve noticed _something_.

Hide tries really hard not to stare at Kaneki. In lieu, he dips another finger into his whip cream and drags a dollop out, frothy where it began mixing into the cappuccino, off brown at the edges. Shoves it in his face.

There are two types. Constant wringing, unsure of the oils on their fingertips - if it had the power to poison the way their nails can pierce muscle, draw blood by ounces. Or a sense of brutality, _strength_ written in their cuticles, peeled and red, in the whitening of knuckles holding that inclination towards violence, that trust in their power. Now, Kaneki’s hands, soft and pink tipped, don’t have the hardened look of those that have picked through guts - didn't, anyway, now trembling with the constant crowding of anxiety as they grip a washcloth tight and rub the edge against the rim of a cup, forced weightlessness.

Hide stares at his own hands, rough, tanned, old calluses texturing palms after years of handling different quinques. Being apart of the CCG makes him feel like there’s a constant film of blood present, RC-abundant, coating his fingers. It doesn’t show, washes away with a bit of soap, but it won’t -

“...Everyone’s wrong sometimes, right?” She presses her lips tight together, hums behind a closed mouth. “Though, I mean… I don’t know.”

Hide shrugs, lifts his cup and saucer off the manila folder he’d set it on, shoves the scattering of documents back inside. “Only one way to find out.” He twists around in his chair and throws his hand out, “ _Touka_! I thought we were family! I can’t believe you haven’t introduced me to Kaneki yet!”

Kaneki drops the cup held light in his hand and it shatters against the counter top. Touka doesn’t have to hear it break to be mad at Hide, turning towards him the second he screams her name like how dare he distract her freshly procured child from the task at hand, _how dare he_. Kaneki’s paled even more, as if it were possible. Touka’s puffed, grabs onto Kaneki’s hand and drags him over to their table in the back, saying, “You’re lucky we’re empty, Nagachika, or I’d literally kick you through that window.”

“Whaaat - so mean, Touka, so mean~ Isn’t she the meanest, Kaneki?” Kaneki is too freaked out to nod his obvious approval. Poor kid.

“Why are you such a creep, Nagachika? Poor Kaneki, doesn’t even know you and here you are, creeping on him.”

“I’m wounded, Touka! You’re wounding me.”

Kimi grins at Kaneki in greeting, effectively shutting Hide and Touka up. “My name’s Nishino Kimi. I know we don’t really look like it, but Hide and I are regulars here and we welcome you to Anteiku.”

Hinting at the human-ghoul partnership existing within Anteiku, excellent. Kaneki doesn’t seem to get it, tilts his head to the side and blinks as Touka nods her approval. Hide continues, “We’ll probably meet a little more officially later? Ah, I’ve been so swamped with school and work I don’t even know if you’ve been here for a while or what. But, yeah, I’m Hideyoshi Nagachika! You can call me Hide. It’s nice to kinda meet you again, heh.”  

And they do meet later, at closing time, with Kaneki standing awkwardly next to Touka by the table where Hide, Kimi, Irimi, and Koma have taken residence. Yoshimura sits too, at a separate table with Yomo, chair turned to face them.

Hide’s well established himself within Anteiku as a trusted source of information. He displays the documents with a flourish of the hand, pulling them out of the manila folder and fanning them across the table. To be fair, the information isn’t exactly new, more updates than anything else, but there are a couple of bits from varying wards about the latest ghoul activity and corresponding operatives to eliminate. Usefully before the fact - on ground action spreads easier through word of mouth within the ghoul population.

But maybe the most interesting thing is Kaneki’s stuttered hello. He stares straight forward and rolls his words like he’s not used to opening his mouth, refreshing and awkward just like everything else about him.

Hide sits back in his chair and smiles at him nice and wide.

 

* * *

 

Hide’s in the middle of shoving melon bread down a ghoul’s throat when he sees Kaneki again.

It’s probably not for the best. Kaneki looks like he’s been through hell and back, drool dripping down his chin as he flings himself around the corner, eyes wide, bloodshot. And there’s blood dripping down his hands, smeared across his hoodie, like he’s been digging his fingers a little too hard into his palms, cut and healing fast. Hide audibly groans as he brings two and two together, still grappling with the edges of the melon bread not yet in the ghoul’s mouth, pushing it up his sinuses.

There’s a wet hacking and Hide has enough time to consider himself the luckiest man on earth when the ghoul’s foot crunches into his side and he’s hitting the wall. He’s experienced this enough to be solid in a couple of minutes, but those minutes were precious and now the ghoul’s standing over him while Kaneki freaks out in the distance.

It’s basically a metaphor for Hide’s life.

He hasn’t regained his faculties enough to react when the ghoul spits what’s left of the melon bread in his mouth on Hide’s face. He’s gained back enough to retch when the ghoul shoves two fingers down his throat and vomits the rest, splashing against his cheek, soaking into his shirt. When he’s done, he turns towards Kaneki and gestures towards Hide like he’s a pretty little prize, covered in spit and bile and half eaten bread. “You wanna eat this shit? I’m feeling pretty gracious today.”

Kaneki doesn’t sputter like Hide wants him too, is too freaked out to register anything other than, _wow_ , _Hide smells delicious_. He _must_ smell delicious if Kaneki’s looking at him like that, all grey white black red red red -  

Hide sits up and wants to scream, feels it crawling up his throat, smiles instead. The brick feels cool against his back, the ground damp with recent rain, and if he looks up he can see it, the clouds, passing overhead, and if he were anyone else he’d feel like death were imminent but he’s Hide and Hide is truly the luckiest man on earth.

“No?” He flashes his teeth, settles into a crouch, and the slick wet sound of kakuhou releasing RC cells into the atmosphere resonates throughout the alleyway. “Then get the fuck out of my territory.”

Of course, luck is in the eye of the beholder, and the beholder just happened to be a blue bikaku possessing asshole, red veins thick and pulsating through a forked form. He gathers the power in his legs and springs forward as the pain in Hide’s chest builds, rips through his lungs in a scream of Kaneki’s name. And Kaneki looks at him, eyes focusing, and he looks so heartbroken, Hide almost hates him.

But he throws up his arms just barely in time, stares at Hide as he twists the ghoul’s arm, stares until he can’t, until the flesh on the ghoul’s neck is pressed flush against his teeth and he’s tearing. The ghoul’s scream rings with disgust, his bikaku passing through Kaneki’s stomach easy, easy, and maybe it’s the force of it against his kakuhou that has him unfurling, deep red tentacles weaving out of his back in a flash, piecing themselves together midair. When the ghoul peels back to strike again, steady, Hide can see Kaneki pull himself back together, strings of flesh forming in the hole of his body.

He doesn’t have time for this.

Pouting, he forces himself to stand up. Because the CCG is on their way and he needs to leave and fix his head before it splits apart, leave with Kaneki, the Kaneki that’s tearing his way through the ghoul’s existence, stuttering hello and pink fingertips and all.

“Kaneki. That’s enough.” He walks towards them, a mess of blood and kagune fluids and gore. “Kaneki! We need to leave, like, stat.” Hide presses his hand against Kaneki’s shoulder, grasps tight, and Kaneki physically recoils, drops to his knees with his kagune still in the ghoul’s body. It’s over in a minute, really, and the ghoul’s unconscious but repairing himself, slowly. They can get away - he tells Kaneki this - they can just leave. He doesn’t look at the ghoul’s body as the kagune leave it with a squelch, reverts back into Kaneki’s back, soaks through his skin. Hide grins and tugs Kaneki up. They can leave.

“Lemme clean you up a little bit though.” Kaneki hasn’t quite yet registered anything. He’s easily moved - Hide grabs his hand and wipes off the blood with his shirt, rubs the fabric over limp digits, fleshy palms. He uses the inside of his jacket to get at Kaneki’s face, lips and cheeks and chin. It takes a while but his kakugan fades, black receding to white. “Thank you.” Hide pats Kaneki’s cheeks. “It’s gonna be okay, alright? Do you live close by?”

“Uhm, I - yes.” He takes a step back, tentative, as if he’s unsure of the weight of the ground under his feet. “It’s this way.”

And so they casually walk like Kaneki hadn’t just partially cannibalised a fellow ghoul and they weren’t covered in blood and puke and various other fluids, towards Kaneki’s apartment complex a good block away. It’s late, sky gone a dark blue, and the streets are quiet, still. They take the stairs up the complex without incident and Kaneki struggles with his door, rests his forehead against it as he wiggles his key this way and that. But they make it, and Hide closes the door behind them, leans back against it and heaves a sigh.

Kaneki heads towards his table, sits in a chair with a huff and the stiffness in his shoulders drains out. They slump forward until his cheek’s pressed against wood.

“Is it okay if I maybe borrow some clothes and take a shower?”

He doesn’t say anything, nods, brings his hands up until they’re cradling his face, light.

That’s fine. Hide looks around. It’s not a large apartment, nice sized living room conjoined with the dining and kitchen. The floor is littered with open containers, bread and spilt milk and the like. Just ahead is a hallway and Hide heads that way, tries not to glance at Kaneki as he passes by. The door to the bedroom is open, and if Hide was prone to snooping, as he is, he’d note the mess of it, desk thrown on the floor like nothing, papers and books strewn about.

He steps inside, flips over a book like it was his to touch - he doesn’t know the author but he’s at least heard of Kafka, Dear whatever. There’s a drawer against the far wall and he picks up a nice-sized shirt and some sweatpants, heads out to what he assumes to be the bathroom next door. He praises the lord there’s a towel _and_ a washcloth already hanging off the rack, less work for him, and immediately shrugs off his jacket, disgusting, pulls off his shirt, hella rancid. The water’s turned on and his pants are off and the stream of it down his back is the most relaxing thing.

But his chest still hurts. Aches, like something’s crushing his body, thrums pain low through his torso. His fingers are shaking and he _doesn’t know why_ , really doesn’t know why - it was routine until Kaneki showed up. He’s done it before, incapacitated ghouls, used their disgust for food to his advantage, and though this one wasn’t exactly weak, it was evident he had held off on eating until that moment. Coerced him into a corner like Hide hadn’t planned it out.

But seeing Kaneki threw him off. Is throwing him off.

And it makes him kind of mad? In a way he hasn’t felt before - frustrated, aching and twitching fingers, lost, reaching for something, for - what he didn’t know was missing until he saw Kaneki like _that_ , like he couldn’t cry he was so far gone.  Hide’s a mess, a true and total mess, ‘cause all of a sudden things matter and it doesn’t make sense why he would care at all.  

It’s really not fine. He turns off the shower and dries off, steps out with an empty head, fuzzy around the edges, pulls on some clothes and heads to where Kaneki’s still sitting, head still cradled in his hands, palms digging into his eye sockets. He leans against the table opposite Kaneki, hair dripping droplets of water onto polished wood, says, “Are you still hungry?”

Kaneki’s head snaps up, eyes narrowed. It’s obvious his mind’s racing to a thousand different conclusion, Hide can see it in his face, before he settles on a dubious shake of the head. “No? I ate. I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? Because I don’t mind - “

“What are you going to do?” It sounds a little rude so he backtracks. “I mean, what would you ..? I’m really fine.“  

“I’m not really sure yet? I think I’ll just sorta cut into my arm a little bit. Isn’t it the RC cells that ghouls need? You can suck my blood like a vampire.” He hisses for added effect.

"No. You're not going to do that. You're finished with showering, right? So you can leave now?"

“Au contraire!” So the plan is to dramatically walk towards the kitchen, guess the correct cupboard housing knives, and, whabam, cut a little into his upper forearm just deep enough to draw blood, but Kaneki has other plans. He watches Hide, all like ‘is he really,’ until Hide spots the knife holder next to the microwave, shoots a yahoo, and Kaneki bolts over because ‘yes this fucker is.’  

Hide _eeps_ when Kaneki grabs hold of his hand before it reaches a handle, pulls him back while Hide flails his other hand towards the stand, grazes it with his fingertips before Kaneki’s grabbed his arm, yanked it to Hide’s side, and pressed his back against the counter’s edge an arm’s width away from the area of interest.

Kaneki scrunches up his nose. “Stop it.”

Hide rolls his eyes. “Yes, sir.”

“This is ridiculous.”

“Why aren’t you eating your food?”

“That’s none of your business.”

“Oh, but it definitely is. We have Asian History together!”

“You - You’re - ridiculous.”

"Anteiku gives you food, don't they? That stuff is okay to eat. Unless you want something a little more fresh - in which case," Hide bares his neck, "you could have some of me."

Kaneki stares at it for a second, skin stretched down to exposed collarbone, swallows, then holds Hide at a distance - distinct difference from the up, close, and personal of a bit ago. He shakes his head, grins all watery, “I’m not going to do that.” It’s more to himself than anything else.

Hide decides that Kaneki’s fucking weird. He got a hint of it with the one-eyed business, not fully absorbed but acknowledged as a thing that may not just be a trick of the light. Kaneki’s hungry - his grip too tight, sends Hide’s pulse thumping through his thumbs where they dig into his forearms, and his skin is clammy, like he’s sick, cold and shaking - but he won’t eat and Hide can feel his chest preparing to burst, lungs a size too big.

Hide smiles back. “I want you to.”

Kaneki loosens his left hand little by little, drags it up Hide’s arm until it snags on a sleeve, jumps to where his collar meets flesh, places his hand against it, fingers barely making contact. Something in the glint of his eyes shifts and Kaneki looks like a different person. “Please leave.”

“Please eat.”

Hide doesn’t particularly want to die. There’s something about Kaneki, however, that makes it seem like it’s not such a bad idea. Some weird self-sacrificial thing he must be on around the kid. That said, he’s not about to let some stranger bite into his neck like that. “Hey, hey, I was - it’s a little conspicuous, right?” He places his hand on Kaneki’s cheek as he’s prone to doing. “Consider the arm.”

“Oh,” Kaneki breathes, turns his face into Hide’s palm, presses his lips against the creases. He brings his hand back down, circles his fingers around his wrist, and it’s oddly intimate. Hide’s patient though, doesn’t exactly mind all the attention. “Why do you smell so _good_?” He kisses Hide’s inner wrist, parts his lips and licks a stripe and stifles a moan that has him several feet away in a flash, crouching on the floor, arms tight around legs pressed up against his chest.  
  
“You’re making this really difficult.”

“Why are you like this? You and her - you’re both _like this_.”  

Hide heads to the refrigerator, opens it with a _woosh_ and grabs the only thing in it, a neatly wrapped brown package. At Anteiku he’s not allowed to witness the dismembering, sectioning off of victims, but he’s seen the packages be delivered, upstairs and out of public eye, can figure what they consist of. He closes the fridge, sits in front of Kaneki and starts unwrapping it - unties the string holding it together, unfolds the plastic-lined paper until a pile of nondescript flesh lay between the two.

“It’s alright to eat, man. You’re not doing anything wrong.”

“I am, I am - I can’t - ”

Hide tries really hard not to sigh but this is getting out of control. Instead he crawls behind Kaneki and sits, criss-cross applesauce, places his hands on Kaneki’s shoulders and tries to pull back so he’d sit in his lap. “What you really need is a little cuddle!” It takes a bit of time but Kaneki is needy and eventually settles down, stiff, until Hide wraps his arms around Kaneki’s waist, rests his forehead against the crook of his neck.  “But you also need to eat,” Hide says and Kaneki expectedly shakes his head.

If Kaneki was weird, Hide was definitely weirder. He didn’t know what Kaneki’s deal was, had only heard about the notion of one-eyed ghouls prior, didn’t expect them to be this - this _guilty_ over their dietary restrictions. And maybe Hide got it, could barely hold back the bile in his throat as he felt the weight of human meat in his hands, its heft, something of a betrayal to his species. But that’s what he does - back and forth between CCG and Anteiku like it was no one’s business, helping both, helping himself.

The smell of blood is heavy in the air and Hide isn’t sure if it’s the meat or Kaneki’s jacket. What a stupid situation.  

There’s a part of him that’s really glad this is happening. Whatever _this_ could be considered - brims with maybe not joy but some sort of wholeness that eases the pain in his chest. Hopefully Kaneki can feel it too. It seems like he does when he hums, squeezes his eyes shut, and reaches forward, tears off a small chunk of meat with shaking fingers while Hide holds tight, nuzzles his shoulder, whispers “It’s okay” over and over.


	2. Chapter 2

When Hide wakes up, he’s in Kaneki’s bed. It’s really weird, straight up, just the strangest thing and it gives him this sense of déjà vu, so strong he’s dizzy, makes him want to wake up Kaneki to see if he feels it too. But he’s looking at Kaneki’s face, peaceful, all smooth features and tousled hair, and something tells him that’s not going to happen a whole lot so maybe he shouldn’t.

Kaneki wakes up anyway. Blinks his eyes open and focuses in on Hide’s face. He’d think they’d known each other forever, the smile Kaneki gives him feels so familiar.

 

* * *

 

Kimi went to Kamii and it sounds like a joke. When she meets Hide, he’s killed it beyond relief.

But it gets worse - you see, Kimi’s been getting to know this kid, Nishio Nishiki, lately. It’s awful. Like their parents got together and decided they wanted to ruin their children’s lives, have everything fall into place just right so they meet one night and it doesn’t even matter they’re so focused on other things, until a couple of days later when they realise and call their best friends and rant.

At least that’s what Kimi does one day. It’s been a week after her parents’ deaths, too long since she’s shown any emotion, though maybe exasperated isn’t the most therapeutic of the lot. It works, for all intents and purposes, makes for a good distracter, and Hide holds onto it with everything he has.

It won’t be another month until Hide runs into Nishiki. He doesn’t know who he is by name but he’s very aware of the influence the ghoul has over a bit of area, running other ghouls off and, if not, dutifully doing the job of the CCG and murdering them. There used to be more death in the region, enough for them to associate it with more than one ghoul off the bat, not a territorial lone-wolf, but that had changed for some reason or other.

The idea had been that that region was eventually overrun, ghoul politics, by someone considerably strong, with a vested interest in the people of the area - as they decided during the duration of his reign, starting out with feasting once a week before beginning to dwindle until he’s hitting once every three. It seems like a good deal - better than what was occurring before - but still wasn’t good enough.

The ghouls that were kicked out had allocated themselves to the fringes of the region, a heavily populated area of Tokyo, with the region in question only being a small fraction of its total density. The ghoul had no vested interest in doing the CCG’s work for them, but its establishment of a singular area had allowed the CCG to pinpoint its outerbanks relatively well and at least partially eliminate some of the fringe ghouls, all the while pressuring the lone-wolf into a near starved state, or so they figured.

Hide knows of someone from college who drinks nothing but coffee - it seems like a useless bit of information so he doesn’t divulge, figures he’ll deal with it himself. He ends up in the guy’s room with a friend for a second, looking for something SGA-related, and though they’re not properly introduced, Hide does snoop around the fridge post-eyeing the large array of instant coffee by the windowsill and there is literally nothing. It doesn’t take a genius.

Though he’s not exactly keen on taking action against ghouls, he does have a job to keep and if the occasional tip in is what’ll let him keep his hold on information, so be it. 

He asks his friend and finds out the assumed ghoul is one Nishiki Nishio. It makes sense, in a weird sort of way - a ghoul striking a begrudgingly strong relationship with a very-human Kimi, restricting the ghoul presence in the area for her sake, limiting his eating habits as much as possible. Hide has second thoughts but Nishiki doesn’t allow for them - when they’re heading out one day and Hide feels an attack on the horizon, gives it two hours, sends a call to the CCG beforehand.

They grab some melon bread from a side shop close to the university and, before long, they’ve reached an empty alleyway a bit aways where Hide gets to work.

It’s a day later when Hide checks his phone, still in his jacket’s pocket, that he finds out that Kimi’s now official boyfriend had been in an accident with some ‘crazy fuckers’ and, holy shit, he’s a ghoul, I just found out, please don’t do anything bad, he’s barely conscious - I feel like you did something bad.

They meet up at Anteiku later. Kimi’s standing just outside the shop, next to the door. She’s tapping her foot, brown boot hitting sidewalk in a staccato movement that has Hide wishing he was back with Kaneki, curled up in bed. It’s another way of digging his head in the sand - he doesn’t know why he feels as guilty as he does, _the guy was going to eat him_ , but, well.

He’s already decided to do his best to leave Kaneki out of it. For all intents and purposes, it was some random ghoul who attacked Nishiki - no one needed to know how weird Kaneki was. Ha, except for Hide. Of course.

Kimi calls out his name when she sees him, bounces a little on the balls of her feet, grabs his wrist and drags him up the stairs and into the sitting room where Nishiki’s lounging on the couch, battered and pale.

She gives Nishiki a look and he moves his feet off the armrest, sits upright and settles a glare on Hide. Hide’s pushed down in the newly freed spot, then Kimi crosses and uncrosses her arms in front of them for a moment, staring at the two. “Would someone _please_ tell me what happened?”

Hide opens his mouth and Kimi also sets a glare on him. Apparently it’s Attack Hide Day. “Without any bullshit. Those sorts of wounds aren’t caused by melon bread, Hide.”

“Alright, fair enough. I had to do some work, right? And I knew I was going to be attacked by him - your boyfriend. He’s _pretty central_ to what we’re working on. We met up after class and he led me to an alley - ”

“You’re making yourself seem pretty innocent in this situation. Who’s side are you on?” Kimi doesn’t mention the CCG’s name, gracefully, since Nishiki already had enough beef with him. Still, bringing up something he doesn’t exactly know the answer to wasn’t the nicest thing. Come on, Kimi. He’s limited his influence in the CCG quite a bit. He hasn’t even touched a quinque in ages. He wasn’t going to kill the guy. Just… place him in CCG’s care.

He ignores the question. “Okay, well, after he puked on my face, a hungry ghoul came by and didn’t eat me.” Oh god. That sounded just awful. Just, really dumb. “Instead he ate a lil bit of him. Nishiki? Nishiki. Yeah.”

“I think you get why that sounds really dumb. Why in the world would a ghoul do something like that?”

“I don’t know? Maybe he was feeling a little adventurous. Wanted to switch things up a little bit.” He honestly didn’t know. Hungry ghouls are a whole ‘nother monster, with such a loose hold on their consciousness, the ability to actually reject the allure of human flesh was - well, it was really fucking weird. There’s a part of him that thinks that maybe it’s because Kaneki _knows_ him. The way Hide feels like he knows Kaneki, maybe not in so many words, more a feeling in the hollows of his bones, _in his chest_ , than a legitimate thought. But a feeling like that couldn’t possibly overcome something as strong as a ghoul’s hunger.

On the flipside, he has heard about ghouls eating other ghouls. A whisper here and there - the notion of otherworldly power, more so than what already exists, in the grasps of many with just a change in meat. It makes sense, sort of, what with the idea that a ghoul’s over abundance of RC cells could contribute to a kakuhou so heavily it entirely transforms the shape of the owner.

“It was Kaneki, you dipshit.” Nishiki’s looking at Hide with wide eyes - a look of revelation in deep contrast with the words chosen to convey it.

“It was definitely _not_ Kaneki, what are you even saying? How do you even know him?”

“I saw him around Kamii now and then.” He’s looking at Kimi now. “Really quiet kid, smart as shit, definitely not a ghoul but apparently that changed. I know it’s Kaneki.”

Kimi looks like she’s giving this some thought. “He just joined Anteiku. He’s a half ghoul, y’know. A real life half ghoul.”

“Only one of his eyes changed. Holy shit? I thought it was just a fluke, I didn’t…”

A half-ghoul. That makes so much sense. A little too in touch with his human side to consider cannibalisation. You’d think he’d be used to it by now but - but half-ghouls were just a myth. The CCG doesn’t have anything on them, and if they’re ever brought up it’s as a rumor, like seeing bigfoot, just some urban legend. How the hell does Kimi know he’s a half ghoul? “So you’re saying that he was changed into a ghoul at some point. How is that even possible?”

“It’s not for me to say,” Kimi responds.

Hide huffs. Nishiki looks at the ceiling for a second, clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth before looking to Hide. “You left with him, didn’t you? Where is he now?”

“He’s at home. He’s doing better so don’t worry about him trying to eat you again.”

“ _Right_. To hell with that - have you _heard_ about people who eat ghouls? They’re fucking crazy - ”

“He didn’t eat you, okay, he just nibbled - ”

“Alright, boys. Honestly, at this point, I’m just tired.” The look on her face agrees - any traces of bemusement gone, leaving behind a heavy weariness in her flesh that sags her skin, bags under her eyes and trembles in her fingers. “You’re both so important to me. Please, just… tolerate each other. Let’s move past this, okay? We can worry about Kaneki later.”

 

* * *

 

And it’s later that Hide is back at Kaneki’s house.

They hadn’t known each other for long but there’s something telling them to be close, Kaneki explains. Like some deep innate force drawing them together - ‘cause otherwise things don’t feel right; the world doesn’t properly align and his perception of things are clouded by this sense of wrongness. With Hide, maybe he can deal with everything.

And there’s something about that that makes Hide so stupidly _happy_.

So they sit together on Kaneki’s couch, with Hide’s movies in tow, good background noise for the piles of homework Kaneki has to complete if he wants to get back on track. They curl together, breath mingling, bodies pressed close, warm, with books all around, coffee cups forming rings on the table, and it feels good in a way that can’t be properly put into words. And it’s good like that for a couple of days.

Until one day it’s not.

Hide wakes up in his own bed with his chest on fire, gripping at his shirt with white-knuckled hands. There’s a weight of helplessness, a sense of inability to _change_ the course of reality, a more or less fluid structure with the occasional need to be so totally unyielding it’s like a slap in the face and now it’s impacting someone he cares about a little unreasonably much. He doesn’t know what’s happening - if it’s even happened yet - but it’s a sign that something’s on the way.

It’s been awhile since he’s felt like this.

He’s not there when it happens, but he’s there for the aftermath. The CCG’s been made aware of a family of ghouls, the Fueguchi family, frequenters of Anteiku but not workers there, too pacifistic. A mother and a daughter, Hide doesn’t know them very well, interacted with them once or twice, seen them get handed brown packages here and there. But Kaneki was especially close to the daughter, Hinami, giving her reading lessons while he was off the clock.

It’s the day after that Hide finds out about It. He’s sitting at a table in Anteiku, using the cafe the way a cafe should be used (homework, of course - and maybe other things; it’s really a happy coincidence that Kaneki works here because wow, Hide really wants to keep an eye on him, make sure he’s doing alright), when he sees Kaneki out of the corner of his eye, shifting from foot to foot and wringing a towel with a tight-lipped expression over his table. He leans forward a little bit when he asks if Hide can spend the night and Hide raises his eyebrows but agrees. Kaneki nods, once, then twice like it’s officially settled, before promptly turning around and heading back behind the counter.

It feels like it’s routine. Like he’s done it enough in dreams, in alternate realities, that it’s second nature. They don’t even make it into the apartment - Kaneki’s hand is shaking too much to unlock the door, sparks an irritation that breaks out in a shaky sob, and Hide’s got his hands on Kaneki’s shoulders, twists him around so they’re facing each other, brings Kaneki’s head against his shoulder and wraps his arms around Kaneki’s waist, brings him close.

Kaneki’s fingers grip at his shoulder blades and Hide kneads into his back, down to his hips, back up again. It’s warm and tight and so, so, close and if Hide was made for anything in the world it was for hugging Kaneki.  

Then the person in the apartment next door walks out and stares at them for a couple of seconds with the weirdest look on their face, coughs, walks away. It makes Hide pull back a little, bring a hand up to Kaneki’s face and brush his thumb against his cheek, ask him if he wants to go inside now - just in case Kaneki didn’t want to start up a reputation with his neighbors. Kaneki nods, shaky and spluttery, and Hide picks up the keys from the floor and unlocks the door.

 

* * *

 

“I think you’re like Shinji.”

“Huh?”

Hide giggles. “Like Shinji from Evangelion. Have you seen Evangelion?”

“ _Yeah_ , I’ve seen Evangelion. What makes you think I’m like Shinji?”

“I don’t know. You’re all sad all the time. Maybe you’re not as much of a priss, _maybe_ , but you totally have a Shinji thing going on.”

“Okay, first of all, Shinji is _not_ a priss, alright? He has some serious problems - ”

“That’s totally something a Shinji-person would say.”

“Okay. That’s... Okay. But if I’m Shinji, you’re Kaworu.”

“I am so okay with that. Kaworu is the shit.”

“He’s so gay. He hits on Shinji while they’re taking a shower. It’s so gay.”

“Well, duh. And Shinji’s so sad, he’s totally all over it. Remember?”

“I would say that’s accurate but it would sound pretty self-patronizing.”

Hide gasps, hand over his chest and everything. “Oh my god, did you read the manga?”

“Of course. ...Oh no, you’re not talking about _that scene_ , are you?”

“Yes! The one where Shinji’s all hyperventilate-y and Kaworu does the thing?”   
  
“Oh my god. Kaworu does do the thing. The make-out-y thing.”

“Shinji is nowhere near as gay-sad in the manga. He definitely had more control over his life.” Hide nods.

Kaneki looks thoughtful for a moment. “I feel like Kaneki just doesn’t know what he wants in the manga. He wasn’t ready for that type of crisis just yet. Anime-Shinji is more in touch with his feelings.”   
  
“With his inner-homo.”  

“Well. Yes.”  
  
“Are you in touch with your inner-homo?”   
  
“Are you asking if I would let you hit on me in the shower?”

“No, no - would you let me make out with you if you were hyperventilating?” Hide wiggles his eyebrows. It takes a lot of concentration but he succeeds.

“Hm. I’d have to think about that. Probably? It seemed like it worked, didn’t it?”

“Holy shit. Are you giving me permission to make out with you?”

“What? No. I’m giving you permission to put your face on my face and help me breathe if I ever hyperventilate.”

Hide laughs and Kaneki gives him an indignant thump in the leg with his foot. “Isn’t that just CPR?”

He twists around a little in Hide’s lap, establishes real good eye contact so the glare is well received, before he settles back down on the couch and turns his focus on the movie they picked from the stash Hide’s set up in Kaneki’s house.

 

* * *

 

Kaneki is hyperventilating and Hide doesn’t know what to do about it.

He’s sitting on the floor in a corner, legs drawn up to his chest, chest heaving - a noticeable rise and collapse, rise and collapse, quick bursts. Hands grip at his hair, his shirt, tangle into strands and cloth and it probably hurts a little, tears at his scalp like the pain’s the only thing keeping him grounded. His eyes don’t focus on anything, stare off into the distance, cloudy, while tears stream down his cheeks. They were talking just a minute ago, sitting on the couch and watching the news together, sipping some coffee, but panic attacks are like that. Sudden. And this is different - not the usual crying spell, makes Hide think Kaneki might be dying.

Hide finds him by chance - only walked back into the living room because he left his keys on the coffee table. When he sees him, he drops on his knees and hovers his hands over Kaneki’s form because _he doesn’t know what to do_.

“Hey, hey, hey…” He settles on trying to get Kaneki’s hand out of his hair, rests his fingers against the back of Kaneki’s hand and slide them up, wrap around a digit and untangle it from the black. He does it one by one, eases Kaneki’s hand away and replaces it with his own, smoothing the hair down, presses his palm into the junction of his neck and jaw so his fingers rest on the hair at the back of his head.

Kaneki’s looking at him now. It’s hazy but more focused than before, fleets this way and that. His breath is still coming out in gasps, skin clammy and faint. Hide presses his forehead against Kaneki’s, brings his other hand to the back of Kaneki’s head and tilts it up until hopefully all Kaneki can see is him, not whatever’s moving in the background.

Kaneki’s gripping at his shirt now, resting his hands against his chest and digging his fingers into the fabric there. He spreads his legs until Hide can fit in the slot there, pulls forward until _holy shit_. Holy shit? Holy shit.  

Hide’s head short circuits for about ten seconds. It’s a long time and he’s gaping like a fish against Kaneki’s mouth but maybe that’s a good thing ‘cause it’s not like they’re making out or anything - no, it’s more like a breath exchange. What do you call that? Oh, yeah, CPR. Something like that. That’s new - really new - maybe not something Hide was made for but certainly something he could get used to. Okay.

And it’s completely ineffective until Kaneki tugs on Hide’s shirt, brings him out of shock and into - this. Something that requires Hide’s breathing. Right. So he does that, takes a deep breath in and exhales with Kaneki’s lips against his. It takes a good minute - Kaneki’s got pretty strong lungs, keeps on stealing the air with a stuttering uptake until Hide takes it back, slow, slow, slow.  

(It is astonishingly hard to keep his tongue to himself.)

Eventually they make it. A steady one to five in, one to five out. They stay like that for a moment, long enough for Hide to feel like that’s how existence is supposed to be, him and Kaneki connected at the mouth like that, until Kaneki backs off with a ‘pop’ and Hide almost lets out a whine embarrassing enough to bring him back to reality.

Kaneki’s eyes are still a little hazy but Hide figures it’s the Good kind of hazy. He sits back against the wall, pats down the wrinkles he made in Hide’s shirt. With a cough that’s got him finally establishing proper eye contact, he says very pointedly, “You know I gave you permission, right?”

Hide coughs a little too. His cheeks are probably red. Is that an okay thing? He’s not sure. Why wouldn’t it be an okay thing? Hm. “A - are you okay though? I mean, you were... Hyperventilate-y.”

“Uh. Yeah. I’m. I just. I felt like I really needed to do something.”  
  
Hide winks. “Get CPR from a totally uncertified but unbelievably handsome man?”

Kaneki snorts. “Of course. Can you ...stay for a cup of coffee? It won’t take too long, just until...”

“Yeah, definitely.”

 

* * *

 

His sister scoffs next to him, throws her head to the side and furrows her brows in frustration.

“Your parents are dead and this is how you - “   
  
“I don’t give a fuck what you think my parents would want me to do. You don’t know them.”

There’s a man with a grey coat sitting on their couch, another standing, leaning against its arm like he belongs there. It infuriates Hide so he stares with the hope that he’ll notice, feel bad, embarrassed. His sister has her arms crossed, long brown hair tied up in a ponytail, face pinched, reminds him of their mom.

“We’re offering you a home. We’ll give you job security, a bi-weekly stipend, food, just for your service. Where else will you go?”

“I’d go literally anywhere before I became a murderer.” She points her glare at Hide, raises her eyebrows. “Right, Hide?”  
  
The man on the couch ‘tsk’s, looks towards his partner who steps forward. At last. “I saw my parents’ entrails in the hands of a ghoul. Walked in after school let out, and there they were on the floor. I was nine. He looked like a demon - something about those _eyes_. It’s been years and I’m able to remember those eyes better than I can my parents’ voices.”

“It’s not the ghoul’s fault.”

“He _smiled_ at me. His face is covered in their blood and he _smiles_ , says that he’ll find me when I grow up nice and strong. Is that my fault?”

“No, but - ”

“My parents’ fault?”

“You’re not listening to me.”

Hide’s been through this a hundred times. He expects it now, doesn’t know _why_ but he can feel it coming long before it happens, the First Decision. When he found his parents dismembered, empty, he took a deep breath, faked it out in a scream, because it’s _now_ , it’s happening, what his life was made for had finally _started_.

The First Decision is a forked path, eventually branching off into a mishmash of banal choices leading to something big. He doesn’t know what, forgets by the time he makes it here, but there’s an innate knowledge, like knowing up from down, that drives him forward.  

“She’s eighteen. If she thinks she can live on her own, she can do it.”

“Exactly.”   
  
The man on their couch turns towards Hide, steely. “How about you, son? Do you want to live with your sister or do you want to join the CCG?”

He doesn’t look at his sister.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHA THIS IS SO SELF GRATUITOUS bless me 

**Author's Note:**

> LOLOL this is getting out of hand i can't believe i am no writer let it be known  
> there are probably mistakes everywhere but i just wanna ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ have kaneki eat hide just a little but that's end game and we're nowhere close  
> 


End file.
